It's 12.11 am and I am sitting by myself sipping a cup of pu erh thinking what to do with the rest of my life. dictionary.com defines "depressed" as : To lower in spirits; My mood has exactly been that this whole week and steadily heading downwards starting from the beginning of the week. This is the lowest I have sunk in a lot of months. I feel like one of those white mice running in it's play wheel and the harder I pump my feet the faster events in my life seems to turn but when sometimes I fall out of the wheel and then I take a look around I begin to realise I am at the place I started. I am at the stage where every goal seems to be an upward battle, every little inch gained seems to require a mammoth effort, effort which I am too tired and having not enough faith to give. "Caved in" is the proper term I guess would be a very rough but adequate way to describe how I feel now. I don't care about anything and half the time I am confused which way should I go. Half started projects are lying all around the place but somehow I can't seem to muster enough determination to see them to an end. Even if progress is made I question the progress wether it is really progress at all. I hate how I am feeling at the moment but I can't seem to able to shake this damn dark brooding feeling.
I haven't been blogging too often this past few days. Blogging as how I like to blog reporting progress and advancement in my life. Slowly heading towards that goal. My past few blogs have been about news I was reading online because I had nothing better to say about myself and life. Like I don't give a damn what happens anymore.
I am really beginning to question every one of my goals, every one of my actions wether is this what I really want from life. What is it that I have really achieved ... I don't really want to admit this but maybe making fun of dumbest ArSe in my blogs everyday is a way for me to cover up my fears. The fear that one day I will be the dumbest ArSe to someone else. I am really afraid to wake up one morning and end up seeing a reflection of dumbest ArSe staring back at me when I look in the mirror. Analysing how I am feeling at the moment, I wonder aloud whether my making fun of him, hating him and telling everybody about his dumbness is my psyche's way of trying to comfort myself by differentiating myself as much as possible from dumbest ArSe. Telling myself it's okay I am making progress and I won't end up like him. I am reaching middle age as fast as a bullet train and I don't really have much to show for it. I strive and I strive like that white mouse in that wheel but to what end ? Goals seem so far away from being achieved when you are running in place. The thing is I don't really know what I want to be anymore. Is it only me that is feeling this way of do others go through the same thing ? Every morning I wake up realising that today is not going to be much different from yesterday. Go to work -> make some snide remarks -> amuse myself -> try to work -> fail -> go to bed trying to comfort myself that tomorrow I am going to make a difference. I try to focus on forging ahead on my projects but there is just so god damn much to learn ! I am so very tired. Why is it so hard to progress in what I am doing. I just keep on having this feeling that I am going about trying to gain progress the wrong way. That I should be doing this differently. Like I am using the blunt end of the saw. I crave to see some "usable" progress in what I am trying to do and not just keep on learning and keep on digging myself deeper and deeper into god knows where. I realise too wanting is not enough you have to do do and do keeping going at it but it's like I keep on groping and there is no light at the end of this dark and grimy tunnel. It's like watching one of those depressing shows where you know everyone is going to die in the end as sad and pennyless people. This entry of my blog today will serve as a record of how I feel today and it's really really down and sinking even deeper. =((( ...
Here I would like to take the opportunity to publicly apologise to dumbARsE for calling him such all this time. Yesterday something happened to make me realise my calling him this name is unjustified and uncalled for. I would like to put in on the record now that I take back this name I have so conviniently and arrogantly coined for him in my blog.
For those who are interested to know what is the incident that happened to prompt me to such a hasty decision such as this, well this is the story. This is actually a continuation from my quest for the log analyser. I finally found 'D' product to fit my needs which is Webalizer. So after fumbling around with a few times and diddling around with the config file .. lo and behold what I wanted to do was done. After everything was done up, I tar.gz'ed all the html logs to be sent to my boss. Being the arrogant person that I was I never for once considered that someone might not understand how to handle such a complex technology as a 'tar.gz' file. After I sent the file to him, and a few piggish grunts from him later showed that he did not understand how to open the tar.gz file that I sent him. Here, being arrogant and thick headed instead of showing him how to open up the file ( which actually is very complex and requires deft handling of the mouse ), I fired back "Why ? don't know how to open up tar.gz's issit ?", in which he replied in a voice close to tears "This is very complex ... la this kind of file". I then went on to say that I will send him a zip file and he quickly came over to my cubicle saying that he will share out a folder for me to put them in which he feels is a less complex solution. How could I be so arrogant and high headed to assume that everyone can understand such cutting edge compression files such as tar.gz's. Of couse sharing out your folder would have been although the file is in your box already is an easier solution. I truly regret my decision for calling him the names that I called him all throughout this blog. I have truly erred. Also, it is too much for me to assume that an IT manager would know about setting schedules in servers to handle monthly webalizer jobs instead of the administrator having to manually do the job themselves. This was mirrored on his blank face as I told him that I would set this up in our internal webserver. I also truly regret the 15 mins I spent laughing my brains out at him in the toilet after that. ( In retrospect I should have at least spent 20 mins ).
I shouldn't have called him dumbArSE all this time. I should have just named him DUMBEST ARSE !!
Now I am in a fucking cold server room looking for a log analyzer which dumbArSe wants installed on the main server to track the hits to pages.What amazes me most about dumbArSe is his ability to play complete idiot and keep quiet like a prisoner on death row when the boss asks him for something important that he doesn't know. Our friend start playing with his hair, start pulling around his crotch ... and then he start to panic once he comes back and starts to come up with really dumb ass solutions that will ultimately prove to be worse than the problem if implemented.
Anyways, I have found one app thanks to one of my online pals called analog and it's really powerful but as with things that are powerful ... needs some configuration before being able to produce what dumbArSe needs. dumbArSe just refuses to let me alone long enough for me to gather my thoughts on how this thing needs to be configured so here I am in a cold server room trying to get away from his dumb ass barrages and at download.comtrying to find some stupid commercial app which they will be too kiamsiap to pay for ... fuckers !! It seems that most of the good log analysers are either trial or commercial versions which will be useless to me =( .
Trying out webalizer now... seems like a pretty solid and good product. Sitting here freezing in this cold room I can help but wonder why would a fucking old manager like that want to see hits to the sites ???
See a program or application that is common to a huge amount of people in the world ? It's really useful and powerful but the only gripe about it is you got to be in the league of a programmer yourself to fully utilize it ? It is a money making / hype making opportunity you have just seen pal ! These are oil wells of that are just begging to be tapped into. This line Sean Fanning did not invent p2p. Before napster we used to have IRC/DCC bots etc ... from a slashdot article i am reading regarding a new finger printing technology from sean just hit me as how powerful packaging and the presentation of a software can be ..
